Today Was Rough.

Today when I woke up, I just couldn't motivate myself to climb out of bed and face the day. The sun was shining, I heard birds chirping, but I was stuck in bed, powerless against my own self. Depression is a strange thing, and as many will tell you, very difficult to describe. It's like when someone wakes you up from a long, deep sleep, and you're partly awake but still in that sleepy mindset: your breathing still deep and heavy, your whole body just weighed down and sluggish from the hours of sleep before.

I can't remember what I was thinking about for hours this morning while I lay awake, staring at the textured dorm ceiling above my bed. I did not get out of bed until the afternoon, and even then I just ate a little food and checked twitter + facebook for a while. I am proud of myself for doing some of the things on my list for today, though, because usually when my depression takes over, I can't function normally and I just shut down. I don't feel a hell of a lot better, I have yet to wake up from this morning fully, and I've carried around my depression monster all day, hoping a little music or sunshine might scare him off. Nothing helped, but doing schoolwork did make me feel a little bit better about myself, as being productive usually does.

Depression is unpredictable, so who knows what this week has in store? My birthday, for one. (It's Monday! I'll be nineteen, finally) Also the final draft of a paper, a novel to read, and some translations, all of which are going to build up a lot of anxiety, BUT we have Friday classes off for Easter Holidays, so I am planning to go home on Thursday, something I am looking forward to! I get to see my dog! I get to eat real food and get away from here for a few days! I get to see my church family and give hugs!

Stay Youngry,
Shan

Hey Asshole, see the sun is shining but I am not smiling and I don't know why . . . I know I should be grateful, I know I'm good and able, but I don't have the strength to get up from the kitchen table. This kind of shot comes once - another opportunity of a lifetime just slipped away and that's the fifth this month.

George Watsky, Hey Asshole.